decimal grade: 4.0

“excellent work all quarter. please do keep me updated with your academic success – I am sure you will go far!”

-Biology Professor

tell me

dont worry, about a thing.

every little thing

gonna be alright

i turned to go and i was excited

actually excited, not because i knew i could do it but to want to know if i can and not be afraid.

but i was afraid.

it was dark. but not too dark.

cool but not cold.

i could hear the road.

i was alone.

its not about the road so much now as it is about it all-air and my skin.

i made home just fine.

out loud

ok gym instructor, you got me. here i go…

i am so glad i called and made an appointment.

it felt good to walk in and take that text.

im happy  i woke up on time and accomplished everything that i wanted to.

i feed good that i studied for chem…and gre’s.

i feel fine about forgetting what i was doing. i am ok eventhough that everyday english word was foreign.

i am proud that i have not given up, my brain is my brain and i am ok with that.

i know what i want and i know what i like.

it feels good.

really.

now everything else…

Big.

a saturday night

i used to be that person.

and a rock caves in to my stomach.

i want to get out

well then what is it thenwhatdoineed?

if i find it, will it last…or will it fade and take the residence of everything -almost everything- before?

because i dont know if i really do care anyway.

and i clear the sunglasses, red purse and ear phones from my bed, lean over to place it all just on the floor

and then i think

but what if i left it there?

to fall to my bed, the sunglasses in the middle, my purse wide open-all the change and pen caps, a fortune cookie reading “stop worrying about the future”- vulnerable to falling out, the ear phones and purple jacket, the blue jacket, the remote and of course the duck, and i sleep.

i sleep away…away from here but to place i will not remember except within brief moments of the passing days where i stop. i wonder. where did that come from?

at what point does this conversation take place?

Checking in baggage? yes.

How many? undetermined.

Weight? Forgetfulness, diabetes, last ex of 7 years, achy bones, speech recognition problems, high stress, ptsd.

Prohibited items? see above.

Has the bag left your sight or has anyone given you anything to put in it?

nope, it’s all mine.

and i dont know what it is

but i feel it all and again.

and i have to tell it and i have to cry.

i sit down. i look around but what i see are those moments.

im not there really i know. i can stand up and pause all thought.

but that moment, those memories, they dont stop.

im ok with that.

no, those moments of memories i dont want.

this is my fight. but im trying not to give up.

im ok with that.

are you?